Worst Movie in Years!!!

Spoiler Alert: I can't properly convey how much I hate this movie without giving away some key points of the plot. So if you really want to waste two hours of your life on this thing, then you might not want to read this until you've finished the movie. At which time, instead of saying I wonder what Chris thought of this movie?, you'll probably be shaking your head and thinking Wow, that's 111 minutes of my life that I could have spent playing with a puppy or watching the sunset. Instead, you opted for a skewed moralistic assault from a subpar filmmaker.

Sorry, I tried to warn you.

So what movie am I talking about? It's not exactly a new movie. It debuted at the Sundance Film Festival in January 2007 and was then picked up by Fox Searchlight. They recently released it on DVD. The "movie" (and it's in quotes because it's more propaganda than anything else) is called Under the Same Moon.

You've probably never heard of it. Neither had I until it popped up as a recommendation on Netflix. I ignored that but someone recommended it to my wife. We watched it. It was awful.

Basically, Under the Same Moon is a film exploiting the plight of illegal immigrants in the United States. Yes, I did really mean to say "exploiting," because this is the most lop-sided, heavy-handed view of the issue you can find. The movie's more manipulative than Oscar-winner Crash, but at least Crash had a good script, solid performances and was, above all else, watchable. Under doesn't have any of that going for it.

Let's stay away from the moralistic, beat-you-over-the-head "theme" for a moment and focus simply on the technical aspects of the film. The script is just downright terrible, replete with cheesy dialogue, both in English and Spanish. It's chock full of outrageous plot twists. The acting is painful, even from Golden Globe-winner America Ferrera. (I'll admit that most of the way through the main boy, nine-year-old Carlitos, gives a pretty good performance; but not always.) The pacing is atrocious, plodding along and making the whole thing feel twice its length. On the production side of things, this one's got absolutely nothing going for it.

Now back to the story. So this is how it goes, basically: Rosario is a Mexican woman who loves her five-year-old son so much that she leaves him in Mexico, while she crosses the border into America. Fast forward four years to Carlitos' ninth birthday. His mother has sent him some new sneakers and calls him every Sunday morning from a payphone near a laundromat, a Domino's pizza, and a mural. She describes the spot for him (hmm, I wonder if this foreshadows anything).

Throughout, we hear a radio talkshow about how all Mexicans just want to come to the U.S. to work but Governor Schwarzeneggar is mean and doesn't want them to, oh and also all the Americans are just rude and hateful and cheat all the illegal Mexican immigrants out of everything they're entitled to. Then we hear some more music, sung in Spanish with English subtitles, about how all the Mexicans want to do is love and pray and work, but everyone else is just mean.

Then there's some blatant exposition (for absolutely no reason) about how Carlitos has a father in Tucson, AZ (think that'll come into play later? I'd bet on it). Then Carlitos' grandma dies, so he takes a bunch of money and decides to find his mother in L.A. He finds some Americans of Mexican descent (who are hated by the Mexicans, but not out of jealousy. So why? I don't know) and they smuggle him into El Paso, where things just get ridiculous.

Oh yeah, there's also a woman who smuggles people across the border as a profession, but she has promised Carlitos' mother and grandma that she'll never smuggle Carlitos across. Why? Couldn't tell you for the life of me.

So he's in El Paso, locked in a van at the impound, but he gets out and (uh-oh) loses all his money. Then he meets this shady drug addict guy (played by the world's most colossally terrible actor) in the bus station bathroom. He realizes his money is gone so tries to get back to the impound. He's walked to the bus station, but apparently needs a ride back to the impound. He offers the drug addict $100 to take him back. What the hell?

Okay, so the money's gone and he can't pay. What will he do now? Well, the drug addict's pissed and in a virtual whirlwind of atrocious acting he tries to sell Carlitos to a pimp. Luckily for Carlitos another illegal woman is walking by just then and rescues Carlitos from the pimp and drug addict. Whew! I was worried.

Carlitos is ushered back to a cramped apartment where seven or eight illegals live and bitch about how all they want to do is work but everyone's so mean. Then they watch a soccer game.

Because the director really wanted to work an INS raid into the plot, Carlitos (for no logical reason whatsoever) is taken to work in a greenhouse the next morning. Of course INS comes in and beats the hell out of half a dozen or so illegals. But Carlitos and this other guy hide. This other guy is supposed to be the out-for-himself guy who changes, but the fact is he's not that guy, he only says he is. He constantly bends over backwards to help Carlitos on his way to L.A.

They hitchhike together and guess where they get dropped off (just by coincidence)? That's right. Tucson, AZ! It's like fate (or contrived screenwriting, one or the other). Of course they find his father, who turns out to be a total deadbeat. So it's off to L.A.

The address Carlitos has for his mother is just a P.O. box, so however will they find her? Hey, I know, he should find a pay phone that's by a laundromat, a Domino's pizza, and a mural. Brilliant! This is storytelling genius!

So what you'll be thinking now is Ah, so they'll find a phone book and look up Domino's and figure out which intersection. Wrong! They did use the phone book to find the kid's father but not now. Oh no, now they're going to walk all over east L.A. hoping to stumble upon the correct pay phone.

Before we finish the story, let's get back to Rosario, because there's been some b.s. woven about her throughout this painful plotting. She's been fired and cheated out of some money by this white American woman (another colossally bad actress), then she misses her son, then she lets this guy drive her home from work one day and two days later they're supposed be married. That's right, two days later. He drove her home, then all of a sudden she's in a wedding dress. But she can't go through with it. So she calls it off. Just then she gets a phone call from Mexico telling her that Carlitos has come to look for her in America. Obviously this means that she needs to take the next bus back to Mexico, right? I mean obviously. That makes perfect sense.

So she gets on a bus the next morning but before it leaves she sees someone on a pay phone and it dawns on her. Of course Carlitos will go to the pay phone. He's never been out of Mexico, but he'll easily be able to travel from El Paso to L.A. and find the exact pay phone that she calls from every Sunday. Oh, and it is Sunday morning.

And guess what? After some absurd drama, Carlitos runs away from the police and just happens to stumble right into the pay phone, but on the wrong side of the street. Across the road (in a metaphorical masterpiece) he sees his mother, but with all the traffic he can't cross over to her. High art at its finest, nothing over-the-top about this. Finally, the don't cross changes to the green walk sign and the family can finally be reunited so that they can work, because that's all they want to do, and I just hope no one is mean to them anymore.

Oh, and you're supposed to cry at the end.