THE 5 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

Okay, I have to lay down some ground rules first. I can't put movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space on this list, because that's a whole other standard. But what I will do is break my top five worst movies into categories. The grand master of all the lists is what I would officially call my top five worst movies ever! But first...

The 5 Worst Independent Films:

Now there's some real crap in the independent world, so I had to limit this to the five worst independent films to achieve a wide release. Basically this means that you can find all of these at your average Blockbuster or Hollywood video.

5. The Contract (2006)
4. D.E.B.S. (2004)
3. My Big Fat Independent Movie (2005)
2. Under the Same Moon (2007)
1. Romance & Cigarettes (2005)
Too bad it can't make my list of top 5 worst movies ever, because it wasn't studio-backed. But here's the basic formula: X = Produced by the Coen Bros. + written and directed by John Turturro + starring (James Gandolfini + Susan Sarandon + Mandy Moore + Mary-Louise Parker + Kate Winslet + Bobby Cannavale + Christopher Walken + Steve Buscemi). So X should equal a good movie, right? No! X = One of the worst movies I've ever seen.


The 5 Worst Critically Acclaimed Films:

These are movies that I truly hated but not quite enough to make the 5 overall worst.

5. The Hours (2002)
4. Syriana (2005)
3. Mystic River (2003)
2. Flags of Our Fathers (2006)
1. Babel (2006)
When the only good thing about a movie is its score, you've got a problem. Why anyone thinks this movie is worth seeing, I will never understand.


The 5 Worst Sequels:

I won't do repeats, so if there's a movie that should be on this list but also ends up on the top 5 worst ever, then you won't find it here.

5. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
How many times can they say, "With great power comes great responsibility"? Seriously! And I'm convinced the entire movie was built around the awkwardly unfunny scene of Spider-man in an elevator.
4. The Ring Two (2005)
3. Men in Black II (2002)
2. Shrek the Third (2007)
1. Be Cool (2005)
This sequel to Get Shorty was so bad and so boring, I almost walked out...of the dollar theater.


And now...

The 5 Worst Movies Ever Made:

The rules are as follows:
-The movie must have been produced by a major studio.
-The movie must have at least one A-list star.
-I have to have seen the movie in the theater, which narrows this list to films produced after about 1990.

So here they are...

5. Elektra (2005)
4. Dante's Peak (1997)
3. Ever After (1998)
2. The Patriot (2000)
Mel Gibson reprises the role of William Wallace during the American Revolution. Historical inaccuracies abound, the laws of physics do not apply, and there are more plot contrivances than you can count with both shoes off. Emotionally sappy and manipulative. Then the gratuitous gore.

And the worst movie ever made...

1. Batman & Robin (1997)
Admittedly in retrospect George Clooney as Batman was a terrible idea. Then they let Chris O'Donnell reprise his role as Robin. Introduce Alicia Silverstone as the batgirl? Three strikes right there. Add in a horrible script, neon thugs, Arnold's icy one-liners, and Joel Schumacher. That sounds like an unbeatable formula for the worst movie ever made.


*Other movies that almost made the list: Daredevil, Clifford, Mission to Mars, The Holiday, The Man with Two Brains, Vacancy, The Deep End of the Ocean, Beowulf, The Black Dahlia, P2